The Grand Ol Snouter: First Edition

Protestors jammed the entrance to Alveridge Docks today as the biggest lobby group in history made its point. Alleged over-milking by the Ports of Alveridge whale fleet has become a hot potato in the media, but today’s action took everybody by surprise.

While concerned teen-hounds waved placards at whale milkers arriving for work at the gates, the seaward entrance to the port was effectively closed by a large pod of curd whales. “I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s as if some strange mystical force has made them try to beach themselves on the sand, and missed,” said Port manager Salty McBillious.

Official observers counted some 40 whales rafted up between the piers of the port entrance, delivering a protest message in their own way. “If you stuck your head underwater you could hear a high-pitched rhythmic moaning sound,” said Whale Milk Marketing Board press officer Yapper Green.

“It sounded like they were chanting ‘Get your rudders away from our udders,’ but I may be mistaken,” he added.
The protest was wasted on a small team of self-styled environmental guerrillas who were convinced they were witnessing a self-destructive mass beaching.

The group tried lassoing the whales from small boats, to tow them back out to sea. Five eco-warriors were treated for back strain after the short-lived and unsuccessful operation. The milking fleet was unperturbed by the industrial action, managing to fill their tanks with milk without even putting out to sea, but the point was well made, according to one crewhound who would not be named. He would neither confirm or deny the long-held belief that whale milkers can converse with the leviathans of the deep, but he had an idea what was going on.

“It’s a different world under the surface. We got the impression they want some sort of overtime recognition, extra plankton on public holidays, that sort of thing. I suppose they get a bit sore after milking, especially in the salt water and all,” he said.
The whales eventually headed back out to sea when they realised Port Alveridge Docks is a krill-free zone.

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